mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
