Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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