i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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