I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
