So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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