Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
