to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
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