So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
