Just fell off a train. Bad.
the condom got lost in my hair
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
