apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
