You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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