We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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