I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
