You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
