I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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