Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
