So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
