i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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