one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
