You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
