I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
