after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
