I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
