I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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