Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
