there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
