he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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