What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
