It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
