WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
