My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
