yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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