when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
