dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
