I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
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