My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
