Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
