its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
