Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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