I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
He called his prostate his "boner button".
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize