Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Randomize
