I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
