Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
