so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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