I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
did i walk over a car last night?
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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