I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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