Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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