I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
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