I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.