I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
25 Times Terrible Advice Was Given To A Teenager
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on