i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
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I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
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This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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