My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
