Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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