I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
