I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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