Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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