All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
