she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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